Archived Articles for Mr. Long Island

• Bill Gates Has a Weird Sense of Humor
  
• The Nuns I Knew
  
• Five Hours in an Airport and Still No Shined Shoes
  
• The Record Store Experience
  
• Picking Your Teeth in Polite Society
  
• In The News
  
• Living on Reds, Vitamin C and Cocaine
  
• What Was Once A Sonogram Is Now A Driver
  
• Here’s To The New Gym. Same As The Old Gym
  
• Well, At Least MY World Is Flat
  
• Completing The Concert Circle
  
• Fractured Fairy Tales…and Other Health Insurance Horror Stories
  
• The Tell-Tale Faucet
  
• Yanks For The Memories
  
• Why Take The Tour When A Leap of Faith Works Just As Well?
  
• The Countdown Is On
  
• It’s Takes A Labor Day of Love to Fully Appreciate the Summer
  
• Living The Scooter Life
  
• More Wedding Fun with Family and Friends
  
• So Many Milestones, So Little Time
  
• Babysit Now, Cry Uncle Later
  
• It's Funny How Not All The Readers Agreed With Me
  
• The Definitive, Can’t Argue With This, Top Ten Sitcom Characters of All Time
  
• Air Conditioning: A Sign of of the Times or a Sign of Aging?
  
• Worst. Column. Ever.
  
• Leaping Past The Fourth of July
  
• Mr. Hawkins Gets His Revenge
  
• Don’t Stop Bellyaching
  
• Not-so-well laid plans go awry anyway
  
• Love’s More Comfortable The Second Time Around – And Just As Embarrassing
  
• Go With The Flo – And Win An Award
  
• Celebrity Churches? God Help Us All
  
• So Many Issues, So Little Time
  
• Game On, Parents Off
  
• Ode to a Carbonated Beverage
  
• Brother, Can You Spare a Million?
  
• Once again I’m not ready to be ready
  
• Chairman of the Board Game
  
• Travelogue, With A Twist
  
• A Voice in the Crowd
  
• Just Put Me In Charge
  
• What, Me Blog?
  
• Lost Weight Is A Terrible Thing to Mind
  
• Coffee, tea or me
  
• I Want My NANA
  
• What Goes Around Comes Around - Even On A T-Shirt
  
• Can’t We Work Out A Happy Medium?
  
• It Should Be ‘Lights Out” for “American Idol”
  
• Unintended Benefits...aka The Joys of Parenthood
  
• Rosie and Donny, Sitting In A Tree
  
• Here’s to the New Music, Same as the Old Music
  
• The Mr. Long Island Guide to Midtown Manhattan
  
• You Can’t Fudge With the Natural Order of Life
  
• Some random thoughts around the holidays
  
• What Turns YOU On Around The Holidays?
  
• To Tuck or Not to Tuck
  
• A Thanksgiving Feast Where Fox is Served
  
• Tattoo? Better You Than Me
  
• Fishing For Fun on Friday Night
  
• An Ode To Accountants Everywhere
  
• It’s A Sitcom Life
  
• Let’s Keep-A-Way From This Trend
  
• Drinking the Devil’s Beer
  
• Taking another shot at a Happy Birthday
  
• Ocean Breeze or Blowhard?
  
• When Green Leaves Go Bad
  
• Holy Cow! I Think He’s Gonna…Come Up A Little Short
  
• Phony is a terrible thing to waist
  
• What I did on my summer vacation…or how I met Bernie Williams (sort of)
  
• White Shoe Limo Rides
  
• The King is Dead. Long Live the King!
  
• 'Drive,' he said. 'Ohmigod Watch OUT!' he screamed soon after.
  
• I’ll Take The Heat If You Take Naomi & Paris
  
• When Gay Goes Gangsta
  
• Summer Job Follies
  
• The Stupid Things We Do
  
• When The Young Ones Marry
  
• I Coulda Been A Contenda
  
• Will We Really Remember?
  
• The State of The State I’m In
  
• All Baseball, All the Time
  
• On The Road, Again
  
• Ode to the Onset of Summer
  
• A Day About Nothing
  
• To go or not to go…that is the question
  
• Chuck Norris Meets Mr. Long Island
  
• Take Your Max to Work Day
  
• Old Spice or Old Hat?
  
• Do You Canoodle?
  
• These Kids Today
  
• Red Eye For The Traveling Guy
  
• It's Not TV - It's Repetitive Crap
  
• Kermit wasn’t kidding
  
• The Antioxidant Life
  
• Leaving On A Jet Plane…Eventually
  
• The Humor Column Swimsuit Edition
  
• The State of the State of the Union Address
  
• Napping? Good. Snoring – Not so much
  
• My Dinner With Rose
  
• A Few 'Idol' Observations
  
• Some Folks Is Even Smarter Than Me
  
• Hey buddy, got a satellite?
  
• Pulling A Dagwood
  
• Didn't We Just Do This?
  
• We're Related? You Don't Say!
  
• Suburban Cat Strut
  
• Skip the jug of wine and the loaf of bread – just give the man his Fluff
  
• Can Michael Watt 'enjoy' the holidays?
  
• Will Work For Food
  
• When Worlds Collide
  
• New stuff, different day
  
• Sin City? More like Sad City
  
• Living The Sump Pump Life
  
• Procrastination 101
  
• When Good Restaurant Workers Go Bad
  
• Sorry About That, Max
  
• No more Mr. Vice Guy
  
• Let's Get This (Block) Party Started
  
• One of ‘Those Dads’
  
• What I did on my summer vacation
  
• The Art of the Introduction
  
• Vacation’s Now...And Then
  
• Serious Face Syndrome
  
• Happy birthday, boys -- just keep Big Bird out of the picture
  
• Crashing The Wedding Crashers
  
• Not even local corn could save this meal
  
• Feeling good, eating chili
  
• Repeating Oneself Again and Again
  
• A Primer on Chatting Up the Offspring of the Rich and Famous
  
• On The Road Again
  
• Take Me Out To The Old Geezers Ball Game
  
• Give me the Big Mac, spare me the lecture
  
• You want how much for that drink?
  
• Five Years of Laughs, On The Cheap
  
• The grass is always greener when you water it
  
• Guess who wishes he made other plans for dinner?
  
• The Fright Curve
  
• While my (son’s) guitar gently weeps
  
• Passports? We don't need no stinkin' passports
  
• If I were a rich man
  
• Papa’s got a Brand New Pair of Shoes
  
• When GRAND Children Come Along
  
• Paternal guidance that's good to the last drop
  
• When Good Lines Go Bad
  
• It’s why they call it a ‘stress test'
  
• First Time Long Time Waste of Time?
  
• Take My Cell Phone…Please!
  
• Art For Christo's Sake
  
• Oscar Turns to Felix, Wins an Oscar?
  
• Hail Hail The Holy Rollers
  
• Less than zero less than desireable
  
• Shoveling snow while the rich folks play
  
• Wedded Bliss, Hollywood Style
  
• Viva La Resolution!
  
• Have a Hors d'Oeuvres New Year
  
• “Are you done with your Christmas shopping?”
  
• Paranoia Big Destroyer
  
• Moving On Up While Going Nowhere
  
• Drinking the Devil's Brew
  
• Writing this column is never a thankless job
  
• If the boots were made for walking, they ain’t getting sold on Long Island
  
• It was the Best of Times; It was the Wurst of Times
  
• Time Flies When You’re Growing Older
  
• Desperately seeking to avoid “Desperate Housewives”
  
• Don’t Take Me Out To – Just Keep Me Up For -- The Ball Game
  
• Debates or Debacles?
  
• What IF God were one of us but rode the train instead of the bus?
  
• This Bead’s For You
  
• It’s What’s For Dinner…But What Exactly Is ‘It’?
  
• A Laundry Pile of Problems
  
• Back to school gives him the "Willies"
  
• Labor Day: The Other Summer Holiday
  
• Eyebrows: One more thing to worry about
  
• Jingle Judging Jackass
  
• Look! Up in the Air! It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s a Petrified Passenger!
  
• Of Mice and Men and Little League Coaches
  
• Growing Older, Moving Less
  
• Somebody get this guy a Metro Pass
  
• How much am I bid for this toilet seat?
  
• It's A Woman's World -- and Here's Why
  
• Who has seen my keys? Neither you nor I.
  
• Back to the Future, with War Stories tossed in for good measure
  
• Assuming the (sleeping) position
  
• Another Day in the Life, Frisco Style
  
• What’s Hot…What’s a Hoax
  
• The Dress Code Blues
  
• Trade Show Expo A Go-Go
  
• Bananas, Tuxedos and the Carousel of Life
  
• Getting Pumped at the Pump
  
• The Tale of The T-Shirt, or how todd is not godd but he’s not the Pink Panther, either
  
• On The Whole I’d Rather Not
  
• They Call Me Prof Master Watt, the Hip Hop Pop
  
• A Cereal Love Affair
  
• Gimme A (Spring) Break
  
• A Pip of a Piping Rock Party
  
• It's Snow Joke -- This Guy Is Cheap
  
• His Reality Shows A Lack of Originality
  
• 'What was I thinking?' -- A common question when it comes to cookies & chicks
  
• Today's Special: Humble Pie
  
• What’s Happening To My Son?
  
• Speed kills, but in some cases not soon enough
  
• 'Houston, We Have A Wardrobe Malfunction'
  
• Are We Not Men? Or Just Smarter Mice?
  
• My State of the State of the Union Address
  
• Feet Don’t Bare Me Now
  
• Just Taking The Bus, Gus
  
• 2003: The Year of the Jackass
  
• Bad Scenes from a Male Mall
  
• Santa’s Last Ride
  
• The Music of the Night, Ten Years Later
  
• Oh the songs we hear are frightful
  
• You Are What You Eat
  
• The envy is in the mail
  
• I could have been a doctor, or a lawyer. But no…
  
• Hey Bill -- XP this!
  
• How do I love my chair? Let me sleep on it and get back to you
  
• Starting a Row over the End of the Row
  
• Brother, Can You Spare A (Cursed) Foul Ball?
  
• Who's That On The Turntable? Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh....
  
• Take Me Out to the Ball Game, but Give Me Some Parking First
  
• Humorous Reference Lost on Youthful Audience
  
• Where do I sign up?
  
• Men I Admire, and Why
  
• Go Ahead: Ruin My Road Trip
  
• Packing my bags…and one “Tommy Boy” to go
  
• Even the Queer Eyes Can’t Help This Guy
  
• Where Were You When The Lights Went Out?
  
• My Championship Season
  
• The Soundtracks of Our Lives
  
• The Return of Our Hero
  
• Fast Food Follies
  
• Don't have a 'Banzai,' man!
  
• This column is the junctures
  
• Raising teenagers with a tinkling toilet
  
• Tie to show a little appreciation here
  
• Working and practicing those night moves
  
• FORE! PLAY! BADLY!
  
• Oh Yeah? Crank This!
  
• Memorial Day Memories
  
• Ask not…what you can do, or did, for your president
  
• This sure as heck is not your Daddy’s baseball team
  
• The art of the deal, revisited
  
• It shouldn’t take but a couple of minutes to read this
  
• Tip till it hurts
  
• So, what’s new?
  
• Big feet, big problems
  
• Here's An Idea --
  
• No apology necessary for reading this
  
• Wondering About One Hits
  
• So, what do you think?
  
• There’ll be a test on this, so pay attention
  
• If you ask me, perfection is overrated
  
• Valentine's Day: The Ultimate Snow Job
  
• No beard gets weird
  
• Hey, aren’t you…?
  
• The medium is the message ... and the problem
  
• Moving and Shaking To A Different Island Beat
  
• The Giants Albatross Is Passed To A New Generation
  
• I hate to be a pain, but…
  
• Goodbye to you, 2002
  
• Why wait until the last minute when you can put it off till the last few seconds
  
• Apples, trees…it’s all part of the consumption process
  
• It's All One Big Snow Job
  
• Hey Ma, what ISN'T for dinner?
  
• James Bond: Secret Agent Or Feminist?
  
• What if I had a million dollars?
  
• The Airport Giveth, The Airport Taketh Away
  
• Too cheap to kick about The Sopranos
  
• His Costume Will Be Just Super
  
• First Time Long Time Waste of Time
  
• Maybe Columbus Can Cut My Grass
  
• H’mmmm…pizza
  
• And The Winner Is…Mikey!
  
• The Big Reminder
  
• 'Fore'-get about this guy's golfing ability
  
• School supplies to the (economic) rescue
  
• Hair We Are, The End of Summer
  
• Just leave those old records right where they are
  
• Historical Knees & The Rocky Steps
  
• Liar, liar pants on fire
  
• Great Smokers I Have Known
  
• Austin Powers: A shagedillly of a pickle for parents
  
• Vote Do As I Say, Not As I Do
  
• Click here for true happiness
  
• Play Ball! But don't hurt yourself and watch crossing the street.
  
• This too shall pass - in fact, it will roll by
  
• Call me, we'll talk
  
• Too Much Tiger: Under Par Overkill
  
• Toys, and boys, in the attic
  
• He's not gay - not that there's anything wrong with that
  
• Doing the Memorial Day Wave, Congress Style
  
• We'll remember always...this commencement address
  
• Sunday Morning Coming Down
  
• He Got The Beat, I Got The Problem
  
• Hell No, We Won't Dress According to Code!
  
• Go West? Surely You Jest
  
• Dish is no way to enjoy the finer things in life
  
• Please Knock Before Entering
  
• Get Up Every Morning To The Alarm Clock’s Warning
  
• Monkey See, Monkey Do -- It's As Basic As Apple Pie
  
• Life is a Cabaret, Even for the Uninvited
  
• Andy Warhol, Meet Annie Watt
  
• Some Outstanding! and Unbelievable! Olympic Moments I'd Like to See
  
• Men Are From Mars And They Don't Need Directions To Get There
  
• He Needs A Lover That Won't Drive Him Crazy
  
• Playing the name game
  
• He's No Fool When It Comes To This Pool
  
• And The Correct Answer Is...
  
• A Close Shave for the Enron Guys
  
• Strap This Question On For Size
  
• The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is…This Guy Backing Up
  
• One Resolution to Go, Please: Light on the Life, Heavy on the Passion
  
• From Baldwin to Bedford Falls
  
• Fashion Forefront Fine By Me
  
• One Score and A Super Model Ago…
  
• All You Need Is Great Lyrics
  
• Thanks But No Trunks
  
• O’Henry’s Back to Haunt Us
  
• Presents From Points Unknown
  
• Late Night Heroics Cause Early Morning Grousing
  
• Every Souvenir Cup Tells A Story, Don’t It?
  
• Please Check Your Self Esteem At The Door
  
• The Hungry and The Hunted
  
• When It Comes to Sleeping Arrangements, Two's Company, Three's A Crowd
  
• Tina, Revisited
  
• What Are You, A Comedian?
  
• God Bless America
  
• School’s Open, Wish Carefully
  
• Anatomy of a Vacation, Part 2
  
• Anatomy of a Vacation (Part 1)
  
• The Last Innocent Night
  
• Stop Me Before I August
  
• Out of Sight, Out of Mind
  
• Watts Going Down? Not In The Vice President's House!
  
• Cheap Thrills By The Pint
  
• It's Not TV, It's A Sales Pitch Gone Awry
  
• So Many Emails, So Few Delete Buttons
  
• Ding Dong The School Year's Over
  
• Don't Worry, Just Juggle
  
• Tastes Great! Less Filling! Says Who?
  
• Times Flies When You're Getting Old
  
• When the Window of Opportunity Opens, Bring Binoculars
  
• Who Can Turn The World On With A Cold?
  
• Singing A Sad Song for 'The Sopranos'
  
• Batter Up. And Up. And Up.
  
• Looking Up Can Get You Down
  
• On A Scale of 1 To 10: Zero
  
• What's Up? More like Watt's Inn
  
• What, Me Worry About His Tooth?
  
• Ch-ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the Stranger)
  
• Power To The Organization
  
• No Punk Then, No Punk Now
  
• The Ultimate Snow Job
  
• Hello Kids, Goodbye Tastebuds
  
• Grammy Schmammy
  
• Doctor, Doctor Give Me The News
  
• Sweet Dreams Are Made of This
  
• The Father Side of Report Card Day
  
• Sweating By An Oldie
  
• Teach Your Children Well (One Parent's Hell)
  
• It's Showtime, Folks!
  
• Saturday, In The Snow
  
• So What Did YOU Get For Christmas?
  
• It's A Cookie Time of Year
  
• Holiday Lights Lead to Holiday Fright
  
• Have Microphone, Will Sing
  
• Coffee & Me: A Love Story
  
• Giving Thanks For Raking Leaves
  
• Bowling Them Over With The Obvious
  
• It's The Vote That Counts
  
• Sleep, Glorious Sleep
  
• To Dream, Per Chance To Riot
  
• What's In A (Nick) Name?
  
• Just Another Day in the Life
  
• Not Flying The Not So Friendly Skies
  
• Proud Humorist of the 2000 Olympics
  
• All's Fair With This Block Party
  
• Rant, Rattle and Roll
  
• All Hail Labor Day
  
• Survival of the Dimmest
  
• Pack With Pride Or Don't Pack At All
  
• Get Me A Vacation From My Vacation
  
• Plenty of Comments From The Parental Peanut Gallery
  
• Blame It On Warhol
  
• True Confessions From The Hamptons
  
• You Can't Believe Everything You Surf
  
• The Rebel's Life On The Edger
  
• I'm Long Island, Hear Me Roar
  
• Who Wants To Be An Internet Millionaire
  
• Working (Not So Hard) At The Car Wash
  
• Don't Worry, Just Juggle
  
• Stop The Insanity - It's Not On The Schedule
  
• There's No Place Like Genome For Revenge