As most of you know by now this missive marks the last column I will write for LongIsland.com for the foreseeable future (I learned long ago to never say never).
Considering I have been writing a weekly humor column via one medium or another since the summer of 1991, I pondered long and hard as to how I should go about signing off. Well, maybe not long and hard. Let’s just say I gave it some thought recently during a commercial break for “The Big Bang Theory,” my third-favorite television show (behind “The Simpsons” and “The Office”) and then woke up the following morning with a solution in mind.
I have decided to use this opportunity to practice writing an acceptance speech for an Oscar, just in case I should ever find myself in a situation where I am the Toast of Tinseltown and Ryan Seacrest is my new best friend. Let’s see if this works:
(Thunderous applause – maybe even a Standing O – from an appreciative audience in Black Tie and evening gowns, with everyone clapping hard and smiling broadly even though they don’t know who I am - just in case the camera happens to point in his or her direction).
“Thank you. Thank you very much. Please…please be seated. I have so much to say, so many people to thank, and I only have a few moments to do so before the music begins and I have to step down.
First and foremost, I would like to thank God and my personal Savior Jesus Christ. Not so much because I believe God actually gives a rat’s patoot about things like this, but because doing so seems like the cool thing to do these days – and just once I would like to hear someone say, ‘boy, that Michael Watt is a really cool guy.’
I would also like to thank Suzi Batta for having the courage and conviction to keep LongIsland.com going when the Internet bubble burst earlier in the decade. Ever since taking over the reins she has been fighting an uphill battle but she believes in LongIsland.com (as do I) and she should be publicly recognized and commended for keeping everything together over the years. Along those lines, a special thanks to her Girl Friday, Marietta Confredo, as well. Marietta’s ready laugh and unwavering optimism makes every battle seem winnable and worthwhile.
My coterie of regular feedback contributors must also receive their just due. (I realize I run the risk of making an egregious omission so in anticipation of that to whomever I leave off this list I apologize profusely). Getting e-mails (sometime almost as soon as I sent the column) from the likes of Corcoran of Babylon, Cleveland Carla, Carol Ann, Dom Ben, Elaine, Ken, Linda, Moondantzer Sue (how cool is it that I hear somebody named Moondantzer Sue!), Nancy from Estee Lauder, Skip, Tiffany and the grumpy guy who would point out things such as my mistakenly referring to Sayville as an Incorporated Village when it is, in fact, not one, would always make my day. My cousins Chris, Eddie and Pat also chimed in on occasion – and their comments were always welcomed and worthwhile.
Two guys who have meant a great deal to me since I first had the pleasure of making their acquaintance 30-plus years ago – Darragh from Pennsylvania and Foley the New Jersey Attorney – also provided invaluable insight, comic relief and much-needed grounding that contributed mightily to whatever improvement the column enjoyed over the years.
Needless to say, the column would never have worked if my sons, Alex and Max, and my wife, Sharon, weren’t such good sports about their lives providing so much column fodder over the years. Alex graduates from high school next spring and oddly enough I feel guilty about leaving everybody hanging in terms of where he ends up going to school in the fall. Alex was a year-old when I started and Max was not even a week old before he made his column debut, but neither one ever complained about their private lives serving as a content generator for me. I doubt there is a dad out there who is more proud or pleased about the children he is raising than I am about my boys. Both are terrific human beings and if I died tomorrow I would do so taking great satisfaction in knowing that I have left the Earth a better place than I found it because of the presence of these two young men.
But far and away the most important support and cooperation I received over the years came from my wife Sharon. She is such a special woman that to this day – 22-plus years after the fact – people meet her and wonder, ‘Why the heck would she ever agree to marry a guy like Mike?’ I still don’t know but I am forever grateful.
(Music starts to play).
I will miss being able to sound off on things. Take today, for instance. As I wrote this column I was also waiting for Cablevision to come to hook us up to Cable TV. When we made the call last week we were told that an installation person would come by on Wednesday, December 26 between 11 am and 4 pm. Once 4 pm rolled around and I did not hear from anybody I called the toll-free number I was given. After getting busy signals for a half-hour I got through, only to have a recording tell me that my appointment is now for Wednesday, January 2 – a date that is convenient for neither my wife nor I. Tell me I wouldn’t have had a field day with that. Oh well.
(Music gets louder)
I will miss hearing from people about how much they enjoyed a particular column. Heck, I will miss the whole column-writing process. It’s been a hell of a ride for me; I hope it has been fun for you. And so, for one last time, I would like to…
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS COLUMN.
(The orchestra plays the opening notes from Todd Rundgren’s “Just One Victory.” Like all Oscar winners I stride off stage to more thunderous applause, buoyed by the realization that the next person willing to pay me to write something is going to pay dearly for the privilege.)
P.S. Should I decide to resume my musings in a blog or some such thing and you would like to be notified about this development via e-mail, please send an email with your email address to mrlongisland@gmail.com. I will be happy to let you know.
About the Expert: He is the coolest dude on all of Long Island. Well, not really. But if you want to contact him he can be reached via Email by clicking here.
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